Meanwhile, like the dad who wants to remind you that “IS NIIIIICE!!!! MY WAIIIIFFFFFEEEE!” because he just caught Borat on DVD, ESPN is launching a special day of “ESPN8: The Ocho.” Remember The Ocho, from that one joke in a Vince Vaughn comedy that was made 13 years ago? ESPN really hopes you do, and they also hope that you don’t mind that lovably doltish commentator Pepper Brooks, as played by Jason Bateman, isn’t going to make an appearance to take part in festivities that are over a decade too late. So it’s just a lot of weird sports. But it’s The Ocho, which you’ve always wanted, right? You left Dodgeball desiring it, regardless of how little it was related to the film Dodgeball, and you held that desire in your heart all the way to 2017. And now we’re getting it! We’re finally getting it, guys. We can let go.
We can be free.
8/03/2017: How ‘Death Wish’ Could Avoid All Controversy With One Change
By Ian Fortey
The new Death Wish trailer is out, and everyone loves it! Just kidding. The enthusiasm of “Yay Bruce Willis!” has been heavily tempered by “Wait, is this a movie about a guy just shooting whoever he wants in Chicago?” Needless to say, people are wrinkling their noses at the turd that this is. But the turd may have smelled more like roses if Eli Roth and crew had just changed a single element: the costume.
Midway through the trailer, AC/DC’s badass party anthem “Back In Black” starts blasting, as we’re treated to a montage of Willis’ super smooth scalp being lit up by muzzle flare. “You get a bullet, you get a bullet, every damn person in Illinois gets a bullet!” POW! BANG! ZWOK! And then it hits you: Why the hell isn’t he wearing a mask?
If you put a fun costume on Bruce Willis, this immediately goes from unsavory act of racially tinged public terror to kickass superhero movie. Isn’t this essentially The Punisher? Or Batman? Bringing right to the wrongs the police won’t (or legally can’t) address. We eat this shit up with a spoon; it’s justice unfettered by things like the justice system! To demonstrate my point, take the part of the trailer in which Bruce Willis makes a terrible dad joke right before brutally murdering some dude. Now imagine him wearing a cool skull costume, and his name is Deathwish. Now, just before he removes the carjack keeping 1,000 tons of murder steel off this hapless mechanic, the quippy joke “I’m not going to kill you, Jack is” becomes witty banter and not the ravings of a terrifying murderous lunatic! Then with a flip of his cape he could joke, “Too bad you didn’t work at a feather pillow shop,” and we’d lap that crap right up!