The Jungle Cruise ride itself is filled with conflict. For those of you who’ve never been to Disney World to experience this whirlwind, SPOILER ALERT, the plot of the ride is that you’re on a boat cruising through the jungle. Will you see exotic animals or won’t you? That’s the main conflict. Of course, you always do see the animals, because if you didn’t, it wouldn’t be much of a ride. It would be more like a nautical version of waiting in line for a ride. The movie will surely bring all that tension to the table PLUS The Rock in form-fitting khaki shorts.
I know it may seem like I’m ragging on Jaume Collet-Serra, but honestly, I feel a little bit sorry for him. How depressing do you think that coin toss was for him? It’s sad that this is what Hollywood has come to. Welcome to 2017, where the choice isn’t between making a small indie script critic’s love or a big-budget summer blockbuster that audiences adore; it’s Suicide Squad 2 or Jungle Cruise. Turd soup or turd salad, it doesn’t matter what you choose — you’re leaving with a turd in your belly.
7/31/2017: Niantic Sucks Butt
By Ian Fortey
Hey kids, have you played Pokemon Go? Chances are you have because, according to statistics, Pokemon Go has 65 million active monthly users, which is insane and somehow probably half as many as the number of people who can’t play it properly because Niantic, the company behind the game, is committed on every conceivable level, to buttfucking this game mercilessly.
Niantic is being sued for putting on a failed Pokemon Go Jamboree in Chicago that people flew in from as far away as Japan to attend. Turns out if no one can actually access the game thanks to failed networks, or get the in-game swag they were promised, or do anything other than stand around with a Pokefinger in their Pokeass, it’s not a huge load of fun for most. Imagine travelling to Disneyworld and when you get there, a dude in a Mickey suit stands in an empty lot explaining that all the attractions had to be sent out for repairs.
Niantic tried to blame Verizon for the connectivity issues, but not a lot of people are buying it thanks to Niantic’s proud, year-long tradition of stumbling ass backward through the management of this game. Despite making a literal billion dollars off of Pokemon Go, everything that could go wrong with it has gone wrong and continues to go wrong because it’s entirely possible Niantic developed this game thanks to making a wish on a cursed monkey’s paw and the ensuing clusterfuck is their ironic punishment.
From its very launch, Pokemon Go has been a shit show. Slow or completely stalled downloads, failed logins, server overload, the total inability to even download the game and, in some case, a lack of Pokemon. How the fuck do you make a Pokemon game and not include the Pokemon? You know what Pokemon Go without Pokemon is? It’s walking through town with your head down, running into shit for no reason.
Every patch and every update Niantic has rolled out has continued to drill the cruel fist of bumblefuckery deep into Pikachu’s bowels. Server problems are par for the course when it’s not just crashing your phone or sucking your battery dry like it was a milkshake on a balmy day. Four out of five players have stopped playing Pokemon Go yet it’s still a gigantic success.
Imagine what this game would be like with a competent company at the helm. If the Pokemon company had the wherewithal to let someone else take over who could provide support and bug fixes that work, a company that could roll out one thing, just any damn thing, without it failing miserably after even a tiny bit of planning to make sure it worked right the first time. It’d be a license to print money. People want to play this game – they love the idea of it and it’s clearly proven itself to be brilliant. Like a bar offering $1 shots served from glasses that had a hobo tap each one with the tip of his penis, Niantic has a great product wrapped in terrible service and no clue why it’s not working out.
Niantic needs to Pokemon Go fuck themselves and the powers that be can either outsource game management or straight up sell the product to someone with the skills and ability to make the game work. This is already the biggest game ever, why not see what could happen if you knew what the hell you were doing with it?